Seeing as you’re suing all your biggest fans, I believe it only makes sense for you to sue me.
The reasons why:
10. I legally purchased your music and I still own it.
9. I play this legally purchased music around other people. I especially show people the songs I love– a capital offense.
8. I even play this music loud in my car. Other people, people that don’t own it, hear it.
7. And then sometime in the mid-90s I began giving my sister all your albums.
Each Christmas, I would buy her a few more. By my estimation, she now owns everything through The Symbol Album. That’s what? 13 albums. Wow. You’re gonna have to sue her too.
6. I transfered all this music to my iPod.
5. I met you in 1995.
I’m sure you remember me. I was the one who refused to call you “The Artist.” I’m sure you noticed. I walked over and talked to you without once uttering the magic words, which would have let you know how important you were, while also perhaps allowing me to meet one of the beauties on your arm. By the way, wouldn’t “The Artist” be God? Guess not. But just a thought. Surely you knows these thoughts. Surely i’m about to get sued.
4. I saw you in concert for the first time in 1993.
For a long while, I kept the ticket stub in my pocket. It was more important than my keys. Then the ticket disappeared, but of course the glowing memories remained. I remembered how during “Insatiable” you ran across the stage, slid on your red high heel boots, almost fell, caught yourself, landed in the splits and caught the microphone as you let loose a scream. Wow. Still makes me break out in a smile. I know, I know. I’ve been running a little late with my good memory payments lately. You can add that to the tab.
3. I joined prince.org. GASP!
My username is takedisbeat. Pretty funny huh? Always loved that remix. I joined the site because in their huge gallery of images some superfan had scanned their ticket, the ticket to my first Prince concert!, and shared it with the world. When I saw the ticket stub, I was stunned. My heart dropped. I relived the moments: the way your guitar sounded live, the cold night I spent on the sidewalk, humming “Still Will Stand All Time” outside the Chicago Theatre, doing all I could just to get a good seat, and then the hot girl sitting next to me at the show, one of hundreds of Prince-like protoges wearing neglige, and her friend who was even hotter swaying against me during Purple Rain. I joined the fan site Prince.org instantly. So guess what? I haven’t checked my Inbox lately. I’m probably being sued.
2. I preferred Uptown to Controversy.
And here’s something you need to know: We ALL preferred Uptown to Controversy. Because we wanted the unadulterated truth, the vault stuff, everything. Not the official boring word from Paisley Park. I treasure issues of Uptown to this day. And I have no idea where my Controversy fan club card is. And don’t care. It never meant that much to me. The last time I talked about the Controversy fan club was probably in 1992: I was talking to another Controversy member outside a record convention. I was looking for more Prince bootlegs, more incredible songs. He was selling Prince portraits. He was going to get in his van and drive to Paisley Park. He wanted to personally show you his paintings. It sounded to me like he was going to get shot. But he had a grand vision of working for you, painting you all the time. He could paint anything. He was actually really good. I asked him about getting an agent, getting into the fine art/gallery scene. But he just wanted to paint you. I thought it was tragic. And come to think of it, he probably did get shot– and then sued.
1. I own the Vault I and II.
I know you know what that is. And I know now we’re not friends. I just think you should put all this great music out so more people can enjoy it. All the vault songs I have. And the hundreds I don’t. That might mean making friends with Warner Brothers again. The grand slave master. But didn’t that plantation make you a superstar? Just a thought. Sue me.